Monthly Archives: October 2010

Minivans, and the Fragile Male Punk-Ass Ego

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“It has always fascinated me the way so many egos, especially of the male persuasion, get tied up in the vehicular animal. It’s a big deal. It’s why America sells so many full-sized pickups to guys that basically don’t need a truck at all. But it makes them happy to pretend to be the hardhat in the Village People, so it’s all good, right? That’s what matters. If there’s one thing we’ve learned since the days of Reagan, it is that you should just do what you want and anything approaching common sense or social responsibility is for wimps. This is Freedom. This is America. Anything that conflicts with this view is merely the ravings of vile hippies with dirty feet, who pleasure trees. This has become the conventional wisdom.”

That quote comes from The Dude, who is a cult figure from the silver screen. 

Actually, it does not. 

I think it may have come from the strange apparition in the mirror, who seems to, on occasion, have an agenda. Why this weird diatribe? Well, it has to do with minivans. They get the crap beat out of them on the PR front, even though they are marvelously useful vehicles. Take this 2011 Toyota Sienna, for example. It is a big doll house on wheels, with incredibly versatile seating variations. Its also got a great drivetrain with a strong, smooth V6 (a Four is also available) and is actually fun to hustle though the bends. But the the critical attribute of this machine is its exemplary ability to haul human beings and their kit around in serious comfort and safety. Over time, Toyota has refined this van and it is loaded with a lot of useful touches. Yes, the steering is a bit light, but otherwise I found few flaws and much to really like about the thing. It’s something you could haul a mess o’ screaming relatives of assorted sizes around town in (or coast to coast for that matter), or you can reconfigure its innards and load it up with a bushel of crap (or a motorcycle). It has more real usable space than any SUV, and yet delivers 22 MPG. You can also get it with All Wheel Drive, too. 

So, it’s great but it’s not manly, right? Here’s the thing: what makes a vehicle most interesting is not really the vehicle when you get down to it, but the occupants. Minivans carry the most precious cargo out there. They do it with refinement, and excellent driving dynamics with the strong hand of the right pilot at the wheel. The segment is a volatile one, as Ford and GM quit building minivans opting for something more style oriented yet ultimately less versatile and less fuel efficient (the CUV). Toyota, Honda, Chrysler, Kia, Mazda and even Volkswagen are still on board. Interesting. 
Sienna

Big Bottom, Drives Me Out of My Mind

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Wow. Who woulda thunkit, especially those among whom I would describe as great thunkers? I think even great ponderers of Deep Things would never have foreseen the expansion of the enormous Butt in American luxury cars to now include two legendary marques, who have been engaged in mortal combat for nearly a century. If you recall (or better yet, scroll down and read Does This Butt Make My Car Look Fat?  below) I stated something along the lines that the new Cadillac SRX has a rather bodacious butt. It’s huge, man. It dominates the styling of the vehicle, unless you stand right in front of it. That said, even when stationed directly in front of the sucker you can sense there’s an Ass the Won’t Quit stalking you. In the words of the late Peter Cook and Dudley Moore, it’s like the mark of a great nude painting when the bottoms follow you around the room.  

In a direct response to this bold, bombastic backside, Ford’s Lincoln division has responded with their Lincoln MKT, which also has some big-ass boom in the basement. It’s based on the Ford Flex platform, which is basically a shoebox on wheels so it really doesn’t resemble the Lincoln version in the styling department. The Flex is buttless, the MKT is totally a BFD in the BBB. Hey, the SRX is fine, but check the cheeky styling on the big Lincoln. I said it before and I’ll say it again: It’s huge, man. What’s going on here? 

I have no idea. As for the rest of the car, I sampled a new EcoBoost twin-turbocharged V6 which was very smooth and strong, but as the whole point of this complex mill is to deliver the performance of a V8 with the mileage of a lowly V6 I was disappointed. I averaged 16 MPG, which is V8 Tahoe territory. This did not impress me. Like the Flex I never feel like the thing is as big as it should be on the inside, considering the dimensions on the outside. But otherwise, build quality is top-notch, it handles quite decently considering the caboose, and it has a killer mega-moonroof and a fine sound system. Oh, and for Ford’s Sync, suffice it to say that’s another topic for another day. 

I wish to point out I got through this narrative with very few Spinal Tap references, aside from the title. Not sure why I did this. I love those guys. 

Mkt