Yes, for those of you that may recognize the dialogue in the title of this piece I’m a big fan of the film The Day the Earth Stood Still. I’m referring to the original, not that lame remake with Keanu Reeves. Although the latter was an interesting movie, it just wasn’t even in the ballpark of the original and shouldn’t have had the title because it was such a different beast. But in both films, there was a very imposing robot named Gort who had a very unique look. I have just spent quality time with a vehicle that really reminds me of the original Gort, in that weird way that something visually somehow reminds you of something you’ve seen before.

The Gort-like vehicle that is currently being a silent sentinel out in the driveway is the Infiniti QX56, which is your basic velvet tank that is as massive and powerful as it is decadently luxurious. The styling is very Gortish, and yet the smooth lines also work on another level as it look as if it was carved from a solid block of some rare metal and the quality of the Mountain Sage paint finish is extraordinary. It’s as big as a house, and built on the Nissan Titan’s robust truck frame (with some significant differences, like an independent rear suspension along with other more civilized components). The engine room has a lovely 400-horsepower V8, and this along with a (count ‘em) seven-speed automatic transmission and a 4WD system that includes an Auto mode facilitates your guiding this universal law-enforcement robot bus damn near anywhere it will physically fit. This is a very expensive unit (loaded as ours was it tops $72K), but I have to admit it really feels like a lot of expense and time went into the thing.

We had the optional Hydraulic Body Motion Control system that (in Infiniti-speak) works like this: “Suspension travel is automatically controlled by hydraulic chambers integrated into each shock absorber. The chambers are cross-linked with piping, allowing for the transfer of hydraulic fluid, managed seamlessly by nitrogen-charged accumulators, from one side of the vehicle to the other. This enables the system to vary suspension travel independently on either side of the vehicle, thereby counteracting body lean and creating a luxurious, flat ride previously unavailable to drivers in this segment.”

This helps what should be a big, ungainly walrus of a vehicle get around in a much more competent fashion, and along with the splendid job they’ve done with suspension isolation the QX flattens road irregularities (and the odd, slow-moving Smart Car) with nary a shudder or rattle in the cabin. It really does feel like the upscale premium SUV it is, and certainly wouldn’t be out of place taking a sheik to dinner in Dubai or ferrying a Royal to examine the moors for stranded ponies. From the crisp acceleration to the surprisingly good brakes there is a lot here to appreciate, and what really surprised me was not just the overall level of quality (including the solid craftsmanship evident all over the cabin) but the fact that I even saw 17 MPG which is actually not bad for a small village on wheels.

So, the QX56 is a pretty successful attempt at being what it’s supposed to be. That is actually not always the case with autos, even when you get to the upper echelons of the pricing pyramid. Yet, the thing that made my day about this rig was the how much it reminded me so much of one of my all-time favorite robots, from one of my favorite films. This is pretty weird when you think about it, but such is the world of the machines we trust with our lives in all kinds of situations. Gort the Infiniti will not only warn you if you stray from your lane, he will apply the brakes on one side to try and keep you inside the lines. The adaptive cruise control actually works well (this technology has been pretty hit and miss for years), and will apply the brakes to help keep you from rear-ending the car in front of you. There’s lots of other black box stuff to help protect you from yourself and others, which means this Gort (in addition to a certain similar visual presence) has a lot in common with the robot version in terms of stopping violence in your own personal universe. Lest you don’t understand the similarity, its a good excuse to watch a really excellent film.

“Don’t try to frighten usssss with your Sorcerer’ssss waysss, Lord Vader.”

-Imperial Dude w/ Snake-Like Imperial Lisp

In times of great personal challenge and uncertainty, we often find ourselves asking ourselves, “What would Vader Do?” Yes, the Dark Lord of the Sith does seem to have a handle on things during times of crisis (in his universe, anyway). And today (while I wasn’t even in crisis mode) the question was answered before I had the chance to ask it, which is a special bit of kismet when it happens.

The answer was this here Caddy CTS-V Sport Wagon, and the (slightly altered) question was, “What Would Vader Drive?” Naturally, he’d go for this fine, insanely powerful Millennium Caddy, with its 6.2-liter Supercharged V8 that puts out 556 rebel-chasing horses and 551 lb.-ft. of planet-crushing torque. It’s much like the CTS-V sedan I mumbled about in an earlier post, and has all kinds of wicked goodness such as Brembo brakes, Caddy’s Magnetic Ride Control and a Bose sound system that is a fine medium for John Williams’ soundtracks. Oh, and best of all it’s black. Very black. They call the premium finish Black Diamond, which almost puts Mr. V’s lovely obsidian raiment to shame. Almost.

But while I’m on the subject, can you actually shame a Dark Lord, anyway? Nah. But you can say, “Kudos, Sith Master,” for this crate puts the hyper in hyperdrive. It’s every bit as fun as the sedan, yet you can haul far more light sabers, nuclear nunchuks and even an extra helmet or two. It’s almost enough to go over to the Side that is Dark. Almost.

The title of Hunter Thompson’s groundbreaking magazine piece that launched his career as the father of gonzo journalism was, if memory serves, “The Kentucky Derby is Decadent and Depraved.” Now, I’m not implying that the New York International Auto Show is in any way, shape or form like the violent, puke-filled orgy of weird that was, and I hear still is, the Derby. In my experience New York’s annual Metal Mashup doesn’t even rate on the same scale in the D &D department, and is arguably a more benevolent gathering (and almost completely free of galloping horses and gambling. I think. I have never expected every last nook and cranny, though).

But this soiree is an eye-opening experience especially if you don’t live the dynamic auto journalist/trade associate lifestyle where events like this are all part of a typical week on the job (and you therefore become desensitized). I’m my entire staff and am usually booked here at my undisclosed location driving new cars, riding new motorcycles and testing all kinds of gear, and as a result I don’t make it to many industry functions purely due to logistics. When I can get away, though, it’s a vast, fascinating experience that really drives home what a world unto itself the automotive sphere is. And while I rarely wade into the sea of suits that runs these corporate giants, there is one affair that I always try to make fit into the schedule. The New York International Auto Show media days (there are two, and I typically manage one of them) beckons me into Gotham’s massive Javits Center, and at this famous venue the OEMs really go all-out to drum up some excitement over their latest offerings. A lot of dealer folks are usually present at the media previews too, so some of the stagecraft is clearly aimed at them as well. And man, it can be a heavy-duty theatrical production when a company (literally) rolls a new vehicle out on the public stage. This year certainly had its share of fanfare, including the launch of a new Lexus concept vehicle that was conducted off-site the night before, complete with an art gallery full of trendy New Yorkers and appetizers prepared by an Iron Chef. Neat stuff all around, and the car is not only fetchingly exotic but a hybrid to boot.

Back at the event proper on the first press day, Hyundai’s more conventional launch had fuel consumption frugality as its main theme, and taunted their considerable supply of models that get 40 MPG or better on the highway. VW also talked of miserly appetites especially with their clean diesels, and Chevy is very proud of the mileage numbers with their all-new 2013 Malibus. These things won’t go on sale for well over a year (about two, actually), but here they were nonetheless. On the other hand, a car that for ages was vaporware is now at dealers, and Chevy Volts were well-represented in the massive GM wing of the show, which I thought was a positive statement. It was clear that easing the pain at the pump was on the front burner of their latest offerings, and I’ll be testing one of their innovative new hybrids in a few weeks. While it’s a bit too early to tell, they may just have delivered a car that’s very close to what they’ve been promising for over two years. We’ll see.

Then there was Jeep and Chrysler. Weird, man. The flagship Jeep presentation involved first a Wrangler Unlimited Sahara, which is so much larger than the original Jeep that first appeared 70 years ago that it begs the question if anybody in the design department understands why the original article was so useful. This was followed by their belle of the ball: the new Grand Cherokee SRT-8 with something like 465 horsepower in its 6.4-liter HEMI V8 and great performance numbers at the track. This is just what the public wants, what with $4 a gallon gas, right? Of course. Clearly it’s aimed at the wealthy, luxury SUV set, but will these types wander over from Range Rover, Mercedes, BMW and Lexus in sufficient numbers to help the ailing company?

Likewise, the ’12 Chrysler 300 SRT-8 with another 6.4-liter V8 was a star on their stage, and looked great. But is this where they need to be to get their groove on? They only have one shot, according to the Eminem tune they are using as their new theme. This latest permutation of the company is hooked up with Fiat, and they do have Fiat 500s arriving in showrooms that are fuel-stingy and cute as a button, but I don’t think this car will be viewed as a triumph for Detroit if it does well. Another odd thing: with both Jeep and Chrysler, the focus was squarely on American Heritage and the pride that will bring Detroit back from the ashes. Yet both presenters, starting with Jeep’s Mike Manley, President and CEO of Jeep Brand, and later Olivier Francois, President and CEO of Chrysler Brand and Lead Executive for Marketing, had accents that sounded like they woke up a long way from Michigan.

Now, I have nothing against either the heritage of these gentlemen nor their countries of origin; in fact I embrace these things. But I found it odd with all the “America’s back” and “Jeep is an American Icon” stuff to hear such distant voices, as Mr. Francois hails from France and Mr. Manley is from England. Don’t get me wrong, here, but given the thematic context created by the divisions I was expecting Jeep to have a former army veteran from Iowa at the helm, and Chrysler to be run by a 3rd-generation grassroots assembly line worker who climbed up the corporate ladder. Their voices just didn’t fit the narrative, you know? Probably just me.

Something else that seemed an odd fit initially, but turned out to be pretty hilarious, was Audi’s “special celebrity guest” at their press conference. We knew it would be somebody currently quite popular, and I really didn’t have a clue as to who would be a good fit for the company. As it turned out, it was Stephen Colbert and Audi is sponsoring his sailboat in the Charleston-Bermuda race, where he will of course serve as Morale Officer. “If you’re going to win a race, you want to be in an Audi,” Colbert explained to the crowd of surprised journalists. “I tried bolting a mast and sail to my S5 Cabriolet and took her for spin on the harbor, and the results were . . . moist! So I decided if I couldn’t sail an Audi, I would ask them to sponsor my boat.”

Colbert was in character and in fine form. Audi of America President Johan de Nysschen presented him with a gift composed of traditional lifesavers assembled together to form the Audi ring logo, and I have to give props to the prop department for a job well done.

Scion had what I thought was the most interesting concept car of the show (although the Saab Phoenix is quite striking), because it looks like it’s almost ready for production and reminds me of the glorious days where a certain minimalist engineering discipline spawned the likes of the Datsun 240Z and Toyota 2000GT decades ago (only updated for the 21st Century). In his introduction of the car, Scion Vice-President Jack Hollis mentioned this is truly an enthusiasts car; a race-on-Sunday, drive-on-Monday kind of hoop that was really inspired by the AE86 Corolla (known by hard-core autocross-types as the “hachi-roku”). Hollis explained: “The AE86 didn’t rely on brute horsepower, but instead a remarkable combination of a lightweight design, manageable power and great balance. It made its way into almost every genre of racing from grip to drift-and from the circuit to mountain roads.”

So a quarter-century later Toyota has embraced the gung-ho (on a budget) fun of that Road Warrior Corolla and presented the FR-S concept. Many times they don’t tell us much about what’s under the hood of concept cars; indeed at the Lexus soiree the beautiful LF-Gh concept’s engine was described just as Lexus Hybrid Drive. With the FR-S, they eagerly announced it’s powered by a Flat Four Boxer engine (remember, Toyota owes a chunk of Subaru which has boxes and boxes of Boxers) and rear wheel drive, as well as a bitchin’ hot body, man. Light weight allows for a smaller engine (and the flat architecture allows for optimum placement and mass centralization), and ultimately better handling and braking. It’s a concept, but like I said I think this coupe may show up very soon as a near-as-dammit production model. Scion’s launch was done with full-on show fanfare, too, in the ballroom away from the regular show floor. It really was, for me at least, the most interesting and unexpected machine at the show because I think this will not only be built, but be very successful and focus performance, affordability and economy in a way that hasn’t been done in ages. Who knows? So much depends on Japan’s ability to rebuild after a disaster of epic proportions, which really became a sobering undercurrent to much of the show for me.

The scope of what has happened in Japan, unlike the gentle waves that reached the western US quickly after the Japanese tsunami, is taking its own sweet time getting here. Toyota’s North American division did a fine job of bringing up what living hell has descended upon our Japanese brothers and sisters, and the courage they are showing under unbelievable hardship and destruction. They have soldiered on, as have the other Japanese auto companies but you could sense the pain underneath, and the grim reality under all the corporate speak of what’s really important under all the pomp and circumstances. Cars are just brilliant mechanical expressions of art, science and engineering, yet are ultimately created by living, breathing human beings that are oh so fragile.

To finish my trip on the lighter side (and far away from the show floor and the Javit’s Center itself), my last stop before rocketing home was at Kia’s cocktail party, which is always interesting and typically very visual as it’s almost always held in an art studio. This year the Soul-themed (in an automotive sense) gathering included Microsoft Kinect games for guests to enjoy and a brace of DJs called AndrewAndrew that have a twin persona that has made them quite famous. They navigated through the crowd, schmoozing and mixing their music with requests from the punters through the miracle of iPad wireless technology. I’ve said it before and I say it again: Witchcraft! It’s everywhere. Thank God I bothered with those Extended Education courses at Hogwarts. Below, there are some pics to click through from this year’s NYIAS experience.

In keeping with the topic of space utilization touched on by the previous smart passion cabriolet discussion (see previous post, complete with Red Green Appreciation photo), we have a vehicle that, while certainly not huge on the outside, could almost haul said weenie little smart car around in its cargo area. This Master of Space doesn’t refer to itself in the lower case like the smart does, either, and proudly calls itself the Ford Transit Connect. This is a very European take on the van/minivan genre that is not only quite brilliant, but a great fit for a lot of folks in these United States. The basic chassis foundation is the same starting point as found on the Ford Focus, although it’s really a very different beast. What we ultimately have here in the T-Connect is a front-drive minivan with a very tall roof, great mileage and a really impressive amount of room. The version I tested had a rear seat (but no third row although there’s certainly room for one), and a decent number of creature comforts for about $25K. With the rear seat in operation you have 78 cubic feet of load space, and with that seat folded you have 118 cubic feet of cargo-gobblin’ goodness. This is a lot of room by itself, but when you see how small the vehicle’s footprint is it’s very smart packaging indeed.

The lone powertrain is a 2-liter Duratec Inline Four with 136 horsepower, with is mated to a 4-speed Automatic transmission. Basic stuff, and certainly no dragster (0-60 in about 11.4 seconds), but it gets the job done around town just fine and delivered 24.7 MPG in mixed driving. I loved this thing. The moment you sit in it you see a Spartan yet nicely done Mobile Rolling Box Environment (MRBE), and I immediately looked around and started thinking about how a contractor could totally have their way with this vehicle and configure it to be the ultimate, fuel-efficient working companion. While you can’t quite stand up in the back of it, it does load an unload easily (two conventional doors in back, and a sliding door on both sides). Provided reliability is decent, I could see very low operating costs and considering it gets 10 MPG (or more) better mileage than most full-size pickups and has a lot of locking storage capability (even the hood opens only with a key-great for urban street parking security), it could be a very smart choice for many independent working folks. The question is, why did it take until 2011 for such an obviously useful vehicle so show up here?

There’s nothing quite like diversity, eh? It does tend to sweeten the pot, and make a potentially mundane field of daisies (like economy cars) much more interesting. I like outside of the box thinking, even when it goes across the street, into the neighbors shed and into that box of old golf magazines that’s been there of decades. I think that’s what the makers of smart cars (yes, they deliberately keep themselves lower case) have done, because when I first fired up a passion cabriolet and headed out into the world of larger cars, I was reminded of an ancient Harley-Davidson golf cart I once guided around a golf course in Plano, Texas, many, many years ago. It was the sound of the engine and the similar size of the two vehicles I think that took me down memory lane, although the golf cart had more cargo room (but it was always exposed, unlike the smart).

Once you get used to the fact that this car is so small, though, you get used to driving it like a regular compact and most of the golf cart comparisons disappear. Not all of them, though. They are both rear wheel drive, which is kinda cool, and both have wickedly tight turning radii, which is likewise desirable. I have no idea what kind of engine the Harley cart had, and to be honest it was the first and last golf cart I ever used that wasn’t electric. But I do know what propels the smart, as it was a couple of feet behind me below the cargo floor. Open an access hatch and you’ll find a modest little wheezer of a mill, a 999cc Inline Triple with a whopping (claimed) 70 horsepower. Oh, lest you think we’re talking a gas-powered sewing machine here, there is 68 lb-ft. of lovely torque, which unlike the horsepower figure is better than the claimed output of my Triumph 675 Street Triple (107 horsepower, 51 lb-ft. of torque). Makes you think, though. Either this 1,800 lb. car is a tad on the weak side, or my Triumph is all-powerful. You decide.

But wait: in order to make a sound judgement you must drive the smart, and while it’s almost small enough to email it to you, I can’t, so you’ll just have to trust on my impressions. 0-60 arrives in a leisurely 12 to 13 seconds, and (amazingly) the real reason this vehicle falls far short of achieving escape velocity is not the bitsy box of pistons out back but the transmission. Smart (sorry, smart) calls this gearbox a smartshift Transmission, and it’s basically a 5-speed automatic with a difference. The difference is, there’s huge gaps between shifts that makes you think a rather foul, decrepit house elf (think Kreacher, from the House of Black) is doing the shifting and his wee legs have trouble reaching the clutch pedal. It’s really rather bizarre, and a major flaw in what otherwise would be an acceptable (albeit underpowered) drive train. A surprisingly thing is this little egg can whiz down the road (dare I say it?) rather smartly at 70 MPH, and seems stable enough unless it gets really windy. It’s a ball to throw around on a tight road, the suspension soaks up bumps surprisingly well and its tridion safety cage should keep you as safe as is possible in a crash. It would probably bounce off of anything that it hit like a beach ball, and has very high crash safety ratings. The cabriolet’s convertible top works well, and can be deployed and retracted on the move. Oh, and you can park this thing pretty much anywhere, as it really doesn’t have a footprint much larger than a lawn tractor.

But, it must be said it doesn’t have the chops in the fuel efficiency department, which is very surprising as you would think that’s what it’s for after all. I only got about 35 MPG, which means a Prius not only destroys it at the drag strip but the fuel pump as well. This might be OK if you could by a brace of smarts for the price of a lone Prius, but our tester (nicely equipped, but no cruise control, spare tire or tilt wheel) was stickered out at $21,590. That’s a lot of tee times, chum. But, in this rather wild little two-door’s defense I will say in over a decade of driving Other People’s Cars nothing, even some pretty exotic stuff, has ever landed the kind of attention this funky little buglet does. Some laugh at it, some laugh with it, but it brings a smile to the masses like few things I’ve ever negotiated through a crowded Sear parking lot. They may not make it worth the asking price, but it does say something about being different. Now, if they’d only sell an electric version with decent range. . .

This has been a very significant decade for automotive diesel engines, and fortunately for you I’m not going to wade through a chronology of the changes that have made the evolution of the “smokers” so interesting. I just don’t have the time, you see, and neither do you. Instead, I will just take a moment to sing the praises of the latest diesel I’ve sampled, which happens to be a sterling example of how far we’ve come in cleaning up and polishing these durable, torque-happy engines. 

You’ve no doubt heard of the clean diesel phenomena, and what we have is a very complex exhaust treatment systems that manages to get rid of all the nasty particulates and other evil combustion by-products so the diesel engine is as clean emission-wise as most gas engines. This was no small task, and also required the adoption of mandatory low-sulphur diesel fuel to make the technology work. But work it does, and not only are modern marvels like the Volkswagen Touareg TDI’s plucky 3-liter turbocharged V6 clean they are amazingly refined, robust, and most surprisingly of all, quiet. The Touareg is already an interesting critter, with its weird name (it has a desert nomad heritage), luxurious insides and surprisingly capable All Wheel Drive chassis. The TDI powerplant suits it to a T, and the amazing thing is how it is, and isn’t, an engine that you would recognize as a diesel. Torque? Yes. Lots. 406 lb.-ft. they say, and I believe it. So the diesel’s reputation for stump-pulling grunt is intact. Also present is decent fuel economy, as we saw about 25 MPG in a week of mixed driving, much of it in very winterish conditions.

So what’s missing, apart from all the foul, lung-choking particulate poop that diesels used to spew at will? Noise. Vibration. And Harshness. For those of you in the auto trade (or at least enthusiasts that enjoy the literature), you know of the ol’ NVH as there are entire engineers (and entire engineering teams) devoted to quelling these refinement-spoiling demons. This new TDI mill is pretty amazing, and can actually pass for a gas engine in polite company. It really is that smooth and quiet, and while there is some diesel clatter from time to time it’s truly night and day even when compared to diesels from just a few years ago. Downsides? Well, it is a tad pricey (but not excessively so) and it is an incredibly complex engine that requires a refill of AdBlue fluid (which is mostly urea) during regular maintenance intervals. It’s a very complicated, highly-advanced catalyst sort of thing. You have to feed the beast so it will behave.

But in return for these minor things to deal with, you get a very state-of-the-art green engine that has amazing things going for it. Oh, and it’s quiet, too, believe it or not. Did I mention that already? Hopefully, it will have at least a decent measure of the longevity diesels are famous for to seal the deal. Time will tell on that last score.

Well, how’s your lower back treatin’ ya, eh? I have shoveled and shoveled and everything was fine until I was clearing a trail for one of our cats (long story), and a strange, unpleasant pain ensued. Oops. Thus we have one of the many downsides of the Winter from Hell, where we have received more snow in a month than any month in history (or so I am told). I have no reason to doubt this claim. It has been pretty cold and white, all the damn time.

But there has been a drop or two of lemonade in this lemon of a season. It’s given me the opportunity to do a proper shakeout of some all wheel drive machines (and some non-AWD autos as well) under very wintery conditions. A lot has changed in the last couple of decades in terms of both the availability and sophistication of four wheel drive systems, and now what was just a comparatively simple mechanical drivetrain has now become more complex, and largely electronic in nature. Here’s two examples of the state of play: the Mazda CX-9 AWD and the Jeep Grand Cherokee 4X4. The Mazda’s AWD is simple as you really never even have to think about it. Normally it’s a FWD machine until things start to slip, and then you get help from the rear wheels to keep you moving. It works splendidly, and great tires and decent ground clearance have made even unplowed roads negotiable. It was very sure-footed, and I was impressed.
The Jeep has the marque’s latest off-road wizardry, so much so that it’s a bit daunting at first to wade through it all. This includes Quadra-Trac II, Select-Terrain traction control and Quadra-Lift air suspension. Got that? It is a ball to play with, as the Select-Terrain switch has a mess o’ modes including Sport, Auto, Snow, Sand and Mud, Rock, Skulls (see Terminator II) and Crushed Cars. OK, I made those last two up, but you get the point. Amazing stuff, really.
However, I have to admit I preferred the Mazda in the snow. Why? A very simple reason: tires. The OEM units on the Jeep, astoundingly, were really lousy in the snow compared with the standard All Seasons on the Mazda. The Jeep’s shoes were in fact Mud and Snow rated like pretty much all the units sold in these parts, and were made be a very reputable manufacturer. But they really couldn’t deal with snow and ice very well at all. Even with all the electronic aides and modes and Trial Rated badges and Quadratics the Jeep slid around a fair amount, and even glided backwards a bit when parked on hills. No fault of the vehicle there, to be sure. Bloody hoops were the culprit, don’t cha know.
Take home lesson, and if you don’t know this already you should take heed: nothing is better for traction, on any type of surface, that excellent tires. 2WD cars with full-on snow shoes do amazingly well on even really nasty snow and ice. And crappy rubber can make even the best AWD systems around lose their might when the surface gets nasty. I’m just sayin’.